OUT NOW: “Why I Married a Clown Girl From the Dimension of Death”

Posted in absurdism, Bizarro Books, Bizarro Fiction, eraserhead press, post-apocalypse with tags , , on November 14, 2023 by carltonmellick

My latest book, Why I Married a Clown Girl From the Dimension of Death, is now available at amazon.

WHY I MARRIED A CLOWN GIRL FROM THE DIMENSION OF DEATH

Timothy is terrified of clowns. He’s always found them disturbing and creepy and weird. But now that our world is besieged by clown-like invaders from another dimension, his phobia is spiraling out of control. Timothy has no idea how to handle living in a world full of these cartoonish creatures until he meets a clown girl named Puppy Caterpillars who happens to be the cutest, sweetest girl he’s ever encountered. They fall in love and Timothy believes his phobia has finally been cured. But after they get married, Timothy discovers his phobia might have been the only thing keeping him alive. Because the clowns from the dimension of death are even more terrifying and dangerous than he ever imagined and the woman that he married might just be the most horrifying creature to ever crawl out of his deepest, darkest nightmares.

Available at amazon.com

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INTRODUCING “THE CM3 COLLECTOR’S LIBRARY”

Posted in Bizarro Books, Bizarro Fiction, Carlton Mellick III, collector's hardcovers, Signed limited editions, subscription service with tags , on October 5, 2023 by carltonmellick

Starting in 2024, there will be a new subscription service for obtaining special edition hardcovers of my books. Three to four books will be published each year. They will be signed and numbered, limit to 500 copies. Click here for more.

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OUT NOW: “Glass Children”

Posted in absurdism, Bizarro Fiction, dark comedy, dystopian, Fiction, horror, surrealism on July 24, 2023 by carltonmellick

My newest book, GLASS CHILDREN, is now available at amazon.



GLASS CHILDREN


The children of the glass generation are the most sensitive, fragile, entitled, spoiled, lazy, selfish little brats that human society has ever produced. Part of this is due to overprotective parenting, but it is mostly due to the fact that these children are literally made out of glass. Nobody knows why, but one day the human species went through a surreal mutation where babies started being born with delicate hollow glass bodies with no flesh or bones or anything holding them together but their thin delicate exoskeleton. They shatter whenever they fall down or are touched too firmly. Even a mother’s embrace will cause them to crack open like eggshells. And they are emotionally just as fragile as they are physically, breaking to pieces whenever they become upset or offended or don’t get exactly what they want at all times. They expect the world to revolve entirely around their safety and happiness. They demand that our culture adjust to meet their expectations. And it seems as though the rest of human society is more than willing to go to every extreme imaginable in order to accommodate them.


Available at amazon.com

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OUT NOW: “You Always Try to Kill Me in Your Dreams”

Posted in Uncategorized on May 23, 2023 by carltonmellick

My newest book, YOU ALWAYS TRY TO KILL ME IN YOUR DREAMS, is now available at amazon.

YOU ALWAYS TRY TO KILL ME IN YOUR DREAMS

Dreams shouldn’t kill you. If you die in a dream you should be fine in real life. But that’s not what Elias learns once he moves in with a girl named Roe who has the terrible habit of pulling people into her dreams with her whenever she falls asleep. Although she’s the nicest, coolest, most attractive woman Elias has ever known while she’s awake, Roe is a complete psychopath in her dreams. She will stop at nothing to kill anyone who finds their way into her subconscious worlds. But Elias has no choice but to survive her crazy dreams every night if he ever hopes to make it in a world that has been torn apart by a global pandemic and economic collapse.

Available at amazon.com

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OUT NOW: “The Girl with the Barbed Wire Hair”

Posted in horror with tags , , , , , on October 19, 2022 by carltonmellick

My newest book, THE GIRL WITH THE BARBED WIRE HAIR, is now available.

THE GIRL WITH THE BARBED WIRE HAIR

There is a girl who lives in the alley behind the old, abandoned fire station. She is always covered in ash and grime, cuts and bruises on her arms and legs, the skirt of her school uniform caked in dirt and ripped into tatters. Her hair is a mess of dreadlocks the color of rusted metal, growing like vines all the way down to her ankles. She was once human, but not anymore. She’s become a feral creature with an undying thirst for blood and revenge. Everyone at school knows to stay away from her. There are rumors that anyone who crosses her path will be murdered and never heard from again, their throats torn out by the long strands of barbed wire that grow from her head like hair.

But when she meets a young boy named Yusuke, the first person to ever show her an ounce of human kindness, her desire for revenge turns to feelings of love. And she will do whatever it takes to win his heart, even if she has to rip it from his chest in order to obtain it.

Available at amazon.com

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OUT NOW: “Goblins on the Other Side”

Posted in absurdism, afterlife, Bizarro Fiction, eraserhead press, horror, surrealism with tags , on May 9, 2022 by carltonmellick

My newest book, GOBLINS ON THE OTHER SIDE, is now available.

GOBLINS ON THE OTHER SIDE

There are no mistakes in Heaven. There are no flaws, no worries, no ugliness. Everything is perfect. Everyone is nice to each other and happy all of the time. Nobody is selfish or spiteful or mean. It is a place of peace and harmony. A place of love and hope and friendship. Nothing bad ever happens there.

But if you plan to visit, be sure to follow all of the rules. Stay inside your family’s designated area at all times. Do not venture off the beaten path. Always wear your goblin mask when looking out of the windows. And, most importantly, refrain from thinking unhappy thoughts. Negativity in Heaven is prohibited. You must never, ever be negative in any way whatsoever. If you whine or pout or criticize or complain, you do so at your own risk. We will not be held responsible for anything that happens to you.

Available at amazon.com

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OUT NOW: “SATAN BURGER” 20th Anniversary edition

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , on November 30, 2021 by carltonmellick

Today marks the 20th anniversary of my first novel, Satan Burger. To celebrate, a new edition has been released with a new cover by Ed Mironuik and introduction by John Skipp.

SATAN BURGER


Satan Burger explores a new kind of apocalypse. Not an apocalypse caused by disease or nuclear war, but an apocalypse of boredom. A plague of monotony has spread across the countryside, sucking all passion and inspiration out of everyone over the age of twenty-five, leaving only the disenfranchised youth to fend for themselves in a society crumbling around them. Featuring a narrator who sees his body from a third-person perspective, a man whose flesh is dead but his body parts are alive and running amok, an overweight messiah, the personal life of the Grim Reaper, a race of women who feed on male orgasms, and a group of squatter punks that team up with the devil to find their place in a world that doesn’t want them anymore.

Buy it now at amazon.com

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OUT NOW: “Full Metal Octopus”

Posted in Bizarro Fiction, Carlton Mellick III, mermaids, urban fairy tales, Urban Fantasy with tags , , on July 20, 2021 by carltonmellick

My newest book, FULL METAL OCTOPUS, is now available.

FULL METAL OCTOPUS

Welcome to Grub Town, the most corrupt city in America. A place where gutter punk mermaids swim in sewage-filled canals, fairy prostitutes hang in birdcages on every street corner, and yakuza elves run everything behind the scenes.

Eliot is the most beautiful fairy in all of the city with his dazzling emerald green butterfly wings that make everyone who sees them fall instantly in lust with him. But it’s more of a curse than a blessing. Forced to hide his wings in public in order to avoid the constant sexual harassment, Eliot only finds solace when visiting his friends at the Snake Pit lamia strip club or getting tattooed by the dark and mysterious half-octopus woman named Oona.

Oona is the best tattooist in the city, but she is a frightening woman three times Eliot’s size with nine-foot tentacles that could choke a man to death in seconds. But despite this fact, Eliot is desperately in love with her. He’s so infatuated with the octomaid that he gets new tattoos from her each and every week just to be closer to her, addicted to having her artwork permanently embedded into his skin. But when Eliot accidentally murders the only heir to the elf yakuza crime family in Oona’s tattoo shop, they are forced to go on the run together, hoping to avoid the wrath of the most dangerous man in town. With everyone in the city out to get them, they can only rely on each other if they have any hope for survival.

Available at amazon.com

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OUT NOW: “The Bad Box”

Posted in absurdism, Bizarro Fiction, Carlton Mellick III, eraserhead press, Uncategorized with tags , on September 2, 2020 by carltonmellick

My newest book, THE BAD BOX, is now available.

THE BAD BOX

Little Benny isn’t very good at taking tests. It’s not that he’s a stupid kid or doesn’t pay attention in class. It’s just that he’s absolutely terrified of failure. It doesn’t matter how hard he studies. He gets so nervous that he freezes up and his mind goes blank, rarely even answering a single question before the time is up. This is especially difficult now that he’s in Mrs. Gustafson’s fifth grade class, where the punishment for failure is to draw a curse from the bad box—a magical device that permanently mutates children into horrific monsters.

Available at amazon.com

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OUT NOW: “Snuggle Club”

Posted in Bizarro Fiction, Carlton Mellick III, cuddle parties, dark comedy with tags on March 10, 2020 by carltonmellick

My newest book, SNUGGLE CLUB, is now available.

SNUGGLE CLUB

SNUGGLE CLUB

After the death of his wife, Ray Parker decides to get involved with the local “cuddle party” community in order to once again feel the closeness of another human being. Although he’s sure it will be a strange and awkward experience, he’s determined to give anything a try if it will help him overcome his crippling loneliness. But he has no idea just how unsettling of an experience it will be until it’s far too late to escape.

Available at amazon.com

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