Carlton Mellick III

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  "Carlton Mellick III has the craziest book titles... and the kinkiest fans!"

  —Christopher Moore

  
  "Carlton Mellick III is one of bizarro fiction's most talented practitioners, a virtuoso of the surreal, science fictional tale."

  —Cory Doctorow

  
  CARLTON MELLICK III is the Wonderland Book Award-winning author of over 45 novels, including Quicksand House, Bio Melt, Cuddly Holocaust and Warrior Wolf Women of the Wasteland. In 2013, he was named one of the top 20 science-fiction writers under the age of 40 by The Guardian UK. His work has appeared in The Year's Best Fantasy and Horror, The Best Bizarro Fiction of the Decade, and Vice Magazine.

• Featured Titles

  

  The Big Meat
  A kaiju tribute novel that explores the surreal aftermath of a giant monster attack.
  Dark and gritty.

   

  

  Spider Bunny
  A group of college kids get trapped inside a deranged children’s cereal commercial from the 1980’s.
  Creepy and absurd.

   

  

  Exercise Bike
  The story of a man who transformed himself into a human exercise bike and the woman who is forced to ride him.
  Absurd body horror.

   

  

  The Terrible Thing That Happens
  In a post-apocalypse world, a small community of scavengers must survive by looting a grocery store that’s stuck in a time loop.
  Dark and surreal.

   

  

  Every Time We Meet at the Dairy Queen, Your Whole Fucking Face Explodes
  A tale of childhood love and spontaneous face explosions.
  Cute and disturbing.

   

  

  Bio Melt
  Within a toxic wasteland, six strangers find themselves trapped in an abandoned hotel, surrounded by a mysterious black ooze.
  Dark and surreal.

   

  

  ClownFellas
  Six interconnected novellas revolving around the Bozo clown crime family
  Surreal and Pulpy.

   

  

  As She Stabbed Me Gently in the Face
  A sociopathic killer meets an even more sociopathic victim
  Dark and strange.

   

  

  Sweet Story
  A children’s book gone horribly wrong.
  Dark humor.

   

  

  The Tick People
  In a city where people live like parasites on the back of a giant animal, a professional sadness-maker discovers that his soul mate is a hideous mutant.
  Dark and surreal.

   

  

  Hungry Bug
  In a world where magic exists, spell-casting has become a serious addiction.
  Gritty and pulpy.

   

  

  Clusterfuck
  A bunch of douchebag frat boys get trapped in a cave with subterranean cannibal mutants and try to survive not by using their wits but by following the bro code.
  Comical and violent.

   

  

  Quicksand House
  Two children who have never met their parents before, even though they live in the same house with them, must fight for survival once their nursery becomes uninhabitable.
  Dark and Dystopian.

   

  

  Village of the Mermaids
  An eccentric doctor travels to an isolated village of carnivorous mermaids to investigate a new disease spreading through the herd of human livestock.
  Dark and Dystopian.

   

  

  Cuddly Holocaust
  A tale of survival set in a world where most of the human race has been exterminated by vicious stuffed animals.
  Apocalyptic and brutal.

   

  

  Hammer Wives
  Six novellas and short stories.

   

  

  Kill Ball
  A slasher thriller set in a city where everyone lives in plastic bubbles.
  Dystopian and surreal.

   

  

  Tumor Fruit
  Seven castaways stranded on a bizarre deserted island must go to extremes in order to survive.
  Surreal and disturbing.

   

  

  The Handsome Squirm
  It’s Franz Kafka’s The Trial meets an erotic horror version of The Blob when a man is forced by law to marry an alien woman who devours her mates.
  Absurd and dystopian.

   

  

  Armadillo Fists
  Set in a world where people drive mechanical dinosaurs instead of cars, a female boxer with armadillo hands is on the run from deranged mobsters.
  Pulpy and fun.

   

  

  I Knocked Up Satan’s Daughter
  A parody of romantic comedies about a man who finds himself engaged to a succubus who’s pregnant with his child.
  Light and satirical.

   

  

  Fantastic Orgy
  One novella plus four short stories.

   

  

  Barbarian Beast Bitches of the Badlands
  The sequel to Warrior Wolf Women of the Wasteland.

   

  

  The Morbidly Obese Ninja
  A 700 pound killing machine must go against his corporate employers in order to save a terminal child.
  Pulpy and fun.

   

  

  Crab Town
  A bizarre bank heist set in a radioactive post-nuke ghetto.
  Dystopian and relevant.

   

  

  Zombies and Shit
  It’s Battle Royale meets Return of the Living dead in a fight to the death game of survival where twenty contestants are put against each other in the middle of the zombie wasteland.
  Apocalyptic, pulpy, and epic.

   

  

  The Kobold Wizard’s Dildo of Enlightenment +2
  A group of adventurers learn they are actually fictional characters trapped in the worst Dungeons & Dragons campaign of all time.

  Satirical and dumb.

   

  

  Warrior Wolf Women of the Wasteland
  A Wonderland Book Award-winning novel about a three-armed man who finds himself in the middle of a war between a gang of road warrior werewolves and mutants from a dystopian version of McDonaldland.

  Apocalyptic, pulpy, and epic.

  
  

  The Cannibals of Candyland
  A man finds himself imprisoned in an under ground world populated by child-eating mutants made of candy.
  Erotic and horrific.

   

  

  Apeshit

  A parody of cabin in the woods horror stories where the victims turn out to be far more deranged than the mutant killers who hunt them.

  Campy and fucked up.

   

  

  The Egg Man
  It is a survival of the fittest world where humans reproduce like insects, children are the property of corporations, and having a ten-foot tall brain is a grotesque sexual fetish.
  Dark, dystopian, and ugly.

   

  

  Cybernetrix
  A dark and bizarre parody of the movie Tron where a game world and our world bleed together into one reality.
  Pulpy and awesome.

   

  

  The Faggiest Vampire
  A bizarro children’s book about two vampire rivals competing in a mustache contest to determine which one is the faggiest.
  Cute and relevant.

   

  

  The Ultra Fuckers
  A landscaper and a trio of Japanese punks find themselves stranded in a suburban gated community that seems to go on forever.
  Nightmarish and absurd.

   

  

  Adolf in Wonderland
  Nazis from an alternate world of absolute perfection go down the rabbit hole into a dark surreal world of chaos and imperfection.
  Absurd and horrific.

   

  

  Sausagey Santa
  A bizarro Christmas story… filled with sex and violence.
  Satirical and pulpy.

   

  

  The Haunted Vagina
  It’s difficult to love a woman whose vagina is a gateway to the world of the dead.
  Satirical and absurd.

• All Books by Carlton Mellick

  • Adolf in Wonderland
  • Apeshit
  • Armadillo Fists
  • Baby Jesus Butt Plug
  • Barbarian Beast Bitches of the Badlands
  • Cannibals of Candyland
  • Crab Town
  • Cuddly Holocaust
  • Cybernetrix
  • Egg Man
  • Electric Jesus Corpse
  • Faggiest Vampire
  • Fantastic Orgy
  • Fishy-fleshed
  • Hammer Wives
  • Haunted Vagina
  • I Knocked Up Satan's Daughter
  • Kill Ball
  • Kobold Wizard's Dildo of Enlightenment
  • Menstruating Mall
  • Ocean of Lard
  • Punk Land
  • Razor Wire Pubic Hair
  • Satan Burger
  • Sausagey Santa
  • Sea of the Patchwork Cats
  • Sex and Death in TV Town
  • Steel Breakfast Era
  • Sunset with a Beard
  • Teeth and Tongue Landscape
  • The Handsome Squirm
  • The Morbidly Obese Ninja
  • Tumor Fruit
  • Ugly Heaven
  • Ultra Fuckers
  • War Slut
  • Warrior Wolf Women of the Wasteland
  • Zombies and Shit

• Bizarro Fiction Sites

  • Bizarro Central

• Bizarro Fiction Writers

  • Alyssa Sturgill
  • Andersen Prunty
  • Andre Duza
  • Andrew Goldfarb
  • Bradley Sands
  • Bruce Taylor
  • Carlton Mellick III
  • Chris Genoa
  • Christian TeBordo
  • D. Harlan Wilson
  • Eckhard Gerdes
  • Gina Ranalli
  • Jeremy C. Shipp
  • Jeremy Robert Johnson
  • John Edward Lawson
  • Jordan Krall
  • Kevin L Donihe
  • Mykle Hansen
  • Ray Fracalossy
  • Steve Aylett
  • Steve Beard
  • Tom Bradley
  • Tony Rauch
  • Vincent Sakowski

• Bizarro Starter Kits

  • Bizarro Starter Kit (blue)
  • Bizarro Starter Kit (orange)
  • http://BizarroStarterKit(purple)

• Praise for Carlton Mellick III

  
  "If you like satires which are highly imaginative, subversive, gory, funny as hell and completely surreal CM3 may be your literary messiah."

  —Ricardo Gonzalez Del Valle

  
  "CM3 is the most imaginative writer since Lethem and Vonnegut. Different, and absolutely thought provoking..."

  —Daniel McCreary

  
  "Carlton Mellick creates fascinating and intricate worlds out of meat, slime, sexuality, wire, and the kind of nightmares that make you laugh when you wake up."

  —Jemiah Jefferson

  
  "Brilliant writing that oozes into your skull and melts your brain like a box of a zillion crayons."

  —Idiot Alien Thought Creature

  
  "His books are from another universe."

  —Cameron Pierce

  
  "Mellick is smarter than the dumbness he tries to coat his writing in; you feel like you're reading a comic or watching MTV - but that underneath there is something deeper and smarter than the cartoonish presentation before your eyes."

  —Euchrid

  
  "Through childlike narration Mr. Mellick can present to his reader some of the most curious and knee-slapingly hysterical blaspheme."

  —Ian David McGowen

  
  "There is depth behind his simplistic prose, and humor all around it. What at first seems unsophisticated quickly becomes a firm identity to the characters, and you realize the intelligence behind the naivety. Yes, it's all on purpose, and you've just been had!"

  —Schtinky

  
  "Mellick has definitely joined the ranks of the bizarre literary geniuses such as Burroughs, Philip K. Dick, and Vonnegut."

  —Charles Glover

  
  "Mellick's imagination is boundless, and his writing truly shows this. His characters, plot, and writing style are original, enjoyable, and inspiring."

  —Lionel Bigsby

  
  

• Recent Posts

  • OUT NOW: The Big Meat
  • OUT NOW: “Spider Bunny”
  • OUT NOW: “Exercise Bike”
  • OUT NOW: “The Terrible Thing That Happens”
  • 15th Anniversary of SATAN BURGER

• Archives

  • July 2017
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• Carlton’s Twitter Feed

  • I’m both excited and nervous about how they’ll do the female Doctor Who. Chances are she will be great. Worst... fb.me/3SrajkBU7 1 week ago
  • My new book, THE BIG MEAT, is now available. fb.me/9cy8o8DLA 3 weeks ago
  • New Edward Lee! fb.me/1xmcMx2Js 3 weeks ago
  • @expressomax1 OR 1 month ago
  • If you're in Portland, Jeremy Robert Johnson will be reading from his latest collection, Entropy in Bloom,... fb.me/8DFTRWo6l 1 month ago

• Carlton Mellick III

  • OUT NOW: The Big Meat July 11, 2017
    My newest book, The Big Meat, is now available. This is my tribute to the kaiju genre. I hope you check it out. THE BIG MEAT The creature was finally dead. After months of fighting it, trying desperately to stop it as it rampaged across the American countryside, turning city after city into a landscape […]
    carltonmellick
  • OUT NOW: “Spider Bunny” April 3, 2017
    My new book, SPIDER BUNNY, is now available. This one is a tribute to the unintentionally terrifying children’s commercials of the ‘70s and ‘80s. I hope you check it out. SPIDER BUNNY Only Petey remembers the Fruit Fun cereal commercials of the 1980s. He remembers how warped and disturbing they were. He remembers the lumpy-shaped […]
    carltonmellick
  • OUT NOW: “Exercise Bike” January 17, 2017
    My new book “Exercise Bike” is now available. EXERCISE BIKE There is something wrong with Tori Manetti’s new exercise bike. It is made from flesh and bone. It eats and breathes and poops. It was once a billionaire named Darren Oscarson who underwent years of cosmetic surgery to be transformed into a human exercise bike […]
    carltonmellick
  • OUT NOW: “The Terrible Thing That Happens” October 7, 2016
    My new book “The Terrible Thing That Happens” is now available. THE TERRIBLE THING THAT HAPPENS “A new spin on the post-apocalypse genre. One you won’t soon forget.” –Garrett Cook, author of A God of Hungry Walls There is a grocery store. The last grocery store in the world. It stands alone in the middle […]
    carltonmellick
  • 15th Anniversary of SATAN BURGER July 6, 2016
    15 years ago, my first novel SATAN BURGER was published. When it came out I really didn’t expect it to do well. I wrote it for fun, just for myself, not expecting anyone would ever even read it. I mean it’s basically just about a group of 20-year-olds who get jobs working at a Satan-themed […]
    carltonmellick
  • OUT NOW: “Every Time We Meet at the Dairy Queen, Your Whole Fucking Face Explodes” April 27, 2016
    My new book, “Every Time We Meet at the Dairy Queen, Your Whole Fucking Face Explodes,” is now available. EVERY TIME WE MEET AT THE DAIRY QUEEN, YOUR WHOLE FUCKING FACE EXPLODES Ethan is in love with the weird girl in school. The one with the twitchy eyes and spiders in her hair. The one […]
    carltonmellick
  • Quicksand House in Spanish and Italian April 27, 2016
    My novel “Quicksand House” has recently been translated into Spanish and Italian. Both editions are available now. La Casa sulle Sabbie Mobili (Vaporteppa) Tick e Polly non hanno mai incontrato i loro genitori. Sono confinati nell’appartamento dei bambini dove crescono sotto le cure dell’anziana Tata Warbourogh, nell’attesa di poter incontrare mamma e papà e […]
    carltonmellick
  • OUT NOW: “BIO MELT” October 29, 2015
    My 48th book, BIO MELT, is now available. This is one of the longer and darker novels I’ve written, along the lines of Tumor Fruit, Zombies and Shit, and Warrior Wolf Women of the Wasteland. I hope you check it out. BIO MELT Nobody goes into the Wire District anymore. The place is an industrial […]
    carltonmellick
  • Italian Editions October 22, 2015
    Here’s a complete list of Italian editions of my books published through Vaporteppa Publishing. They include: Cannibals of Candyland, Armadillo Fists, Cuddly Holocaust, The Handsome Squirm, Village of the Mermaids, Kill Ball, The Haunted Vagina, The Morbidly Obese Ninja and War Slut.
    carltonmellick
  • OUT NOW: Clownfellas August 8, 2015
    My new book, CLOWNFELLAS, is now available from Random House Hydra. I had a blast writing this book. I hope you check it out. CLOWNFELLAS In a topsy-turvy world where clowns are killers and crooks, Little Bigtop is a three-ring circus of crime, and no syndicate is more dangerous than the Bozo family. From the […]
    carltonmellick
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