Armadillo Fists will be out in a week or two, Handsome Squirm will be out in a month, and after that will be this book which has the working title TUMOR FRUIT. This one is an island survival story, kind of like a bizarro version of Castaway. I’ve always been a fan of wilderness survival stories so this is one I’m really excited about.
Ready to shove some holiday cheer up somebody’s ass?
Do so with one of these four bizarro Christmas classics.
BizarroCon was about a week or so ago and I’m still riding the high caused by this awesome event. For those of you who don’t know, BizarroCon is an annual four day meetup of about 80 writers and artists involved in the Bizarro Fiction genre. We get together at Edgefield Manor outside of Portland, OR, which is also a brewery, winery, distillery. It’s four days full of parties, workshops, crazy performances, readings, networking, brainstorming, and planning the future of the bizarro fiction genre. If you’re a writer of bizarro fiction, it’s something you should be going to every single year.
I didn’t write a con report for this year’s bizarrocon, but I recommend checking out these con reports from other attendees:
Sam Reeve’s Top 10 Highlights of Bizarrocon 2011
David W Barbee’s Fast Times at BizarroCon ’11
Brian Keene’s BizarroCon report
Spike Marlowe’s report
For those of you who haven’t been following my releases, here’s a list of all of my books published in 2011:
Aramdillo Fists is due out soon, but probably not until after Christmas. Then Handsome Squirm will likely come out soon after that. However, these two are not yet available.
It’s been a productive year. 7 are new titles, 5 are reprints. Next year will likely be just as productive.
Everyone in the world committed suicide at the same time . . .
Thus begins the surreal tale of an old man living alone in an empty world after everyone else on Earth killed themselves for no particular reason at all. In search for other survivors, he drifts in a floating house out to sea until he comes to a mysterious structure in the middle of the ocean. It is a building shaped like two giant nude women conjoined at the back. And issuing from a lighted window, echoing on the ghostly wind, is the sound of hundreds of meowing patchwork cats.
Sea of the Patchwork Cats is a sad dreamlike tale set in the quiet ashes of the human race. A must-read for Mellick enthusiasts who also adore The Twilight Zone.
Available at amazon.com
I KNOCKED UP SATAN’S DAUGHTER: A DEMONIC ROMANTIC COMEDY
Jonathan Vandervoo lives a carefree life in a house made of legos, spending his days building lego sculptures and his nights getting drunk with his only friend-an alcoholic sumo wrestler named Shoji. It’s a pleasant life with no responsibility, until the day he meets Lici. She’s a soul-sucking demon from hell with red skin, glowing eyes, a forked tongue, and pointy red devil horns… and she happens to be nine months pregnant with Jonathan’s baby.
Now Jonathan must do the right thing and marry the succubus or else her demonic family is going to rip his heart out through his ribcage and force him to endure the worst torture hell has to offer for the rest of eternity. But can Jonathan really love a fire-breathing, frog-eating, cold-blooded demoness? Or would eternal damnation be preferable? Either way, the big day is approaching. And once Jonathan’s conservative Christian family learns their son is about to marry a spawn of Satan, it’s going to be all-out war between demons and humans, with Jonathan and his hell-born bride caught in the middle.
I Knocked Up Satan’s Daughter is an adorable, violent, fantastical love story. A romantic comedy for the bizarro fiction reader.
Available at amazon.com
I’m looking for bizarro short stories 2,000 – 8,000 words for the upcoming anthology “THE BIBLE PART II: The Long-Awaited Sequel to the #1 Bestselling Bizarro Fiction Novel of All Time!”.
The stories should be crazy bizarro fiction sequels to stories from the bible (old or new testament), or they should be completely original modern day biblical stories. Imagine if Michael Bay directed a crappy big budget Hollywood sequel to the Bible, with tons of over-the-top special effects, machine guns, explosions, motorcycles, sexy characters, and ridiculous plots. That’s the kind of thing I’m looking for. And, of course, I’d like them funny and weird.
Send a query to me at carltonmellick3 (at) yahoo.com with an idea for a story. Pitch me your idea in a paragraph or less. Include a bio. I’d like you to do this so that A) you don’t have to write it if I’m not going to be interested in the concept and B) I don’t want multiple people doing the same types of stories. Send multiple story pitches if you like.
Deadline for pitches: September 1st
Deadline for submissions: November 1st
Remember: The more ridiculous the better. I’m looking forward to hearing from you.
-CM3
The re-issue of my bizarro zombie novel, Zombies and Shit, is now available. This edition comes with a new introduction by horror master BRIAN KEENE. Other than that, this edition has a new cover design and, uh … better copy editing!
Battle Royale meets Return of the Living Dead in this post-apocalyptic action adventure.
Twenty people wake to find themselves in a boarded-up building in the middle of the zombie wasteland. They soon discover they have been chosen as contestants on a popular reality show called Zombie Survival. Each contestant is given a backpack of supplies and a unique weapon. Their goal: be the first to make it through the zombie-plagued city to the pick-up zone alive. But because there’s only one seat available on the helicopter, the contestants not only have to fight against the hordes of the living dead, they must also fight each other.
Zombies and Shit is Mellick’s craziest book to date. A campy, trashy, punk rock gore fest that is as funny as it is brutal, as sad as it is strange. An edge-of-your-seat thrill ride that twists the zombie genre into something you’ve never seen before, but always wanted to.
“For fans of zombie fiction, this is an absolute MUST FUCKING READ!” – JEFF BURK, author of Shatnerquake
“It’s fucking exhilarating–a tight, breakneck narrative and lots of awesome ultra-violence and quirky, distinct characters.” – BRIAN KEENE, author of The Rising and Dead Sea
“Unlike any zombie apocalypse novel you’ve ever read, Zombies and Shit takes the zombie mythology and reimagines it in a brutal reality game show like no other. Filled with sentient zombies, zombie smart cars, mechanized zombie dogs, and a cybernetic Mr. T, Zombies and Shit is part Running Man, part Battle Royale, part Lost, and all Carlton Mellick III.” – S. G. BROWNE, author of Breathers
Many of my books, and other Eraserhead Press and Deadite Press books priced under $10, are available at amazon.com for a buy three get one free deal.
Here are some of my books available for the 4 for 3 deal:
Here are some other Eraserhead Press books available at the 4 for 3 deal:
Deadite Press books available at the 4 for 3 deal:
I’m not sure how long it will be going on, so get them while it lasts. There are also other Eraserhead Press books on amazon that are doing this deal. Just look around. About 75% of books under $10 can be bought at 4 for the price of 3.
"Carlton Mellick III has the craziest book titles... and the kinkiest fans!"
—Christopher Moore
"Carlton Mellick III is one of bizarro fiction's most talented practitioners, a virtuoso of the surreal, science fictional tale."
—Cory Doctorow
CARLTON MELLICK III is the Wonderland Book Award-winning author of over 45 novels, including Quicksand House, Bio Melt, Cuddly Holocaust and Warrior Wolf Women of the Wasteland. In 2013, he was named one of the top 20 science-fiction writers under the age of 40 by The Guardian UK. His work has appeared in The Year's Best Fantasy and Horror, The Best Bizarro Fiction of the Decade, and Vice Magazine.
Apeship
Six people are stranded at sea on a derelict cruise ship filled with immortal cannibal mutants.
Splatterpunk satire.
Why I Married a Clown Girl From the Dimension of Death
An man who is scared of clowns marries one and instantly regrets it.
Creepy and fun.
Glass Children
An old man is forced to get a job at a daycare center for children made of glass.
Absurd and dark.
You Always Try to Kill Me In Your Dreams
A man struggles to survive in the hellish dream worlds of his college crush.
Dark and surreal.
The Girl with the Barbed Wire Hair
A boy is stalked by a dead girl that’s fallen desperately in love with him.
Dark and creepy.
Goblins on the Other Side
A girl visits her dead grandmother in Heaven.
Creepy and surreal.
Full Metal Octopus
A fairy and an octomaid go on the run from the elf yakuza.
Pulpy and sexual.
The Bad Box
A class of fifth grade students find themselves at the mercy of a malicious godlike teacher.
Dark and absurd.
Snuggle Club
A short horror comedy that takes the art of communal snuggling to a whole new extreme.
Awkward and creepy.
Mouse Trap
A group of school children try to survive an alien invasion within an abandoned amusement park.
Dark and pulpy.
The Boy with the Chainsaw Heart
A Bio-Mech pilot drafted into Hell’s army must fight his way through a surreal afterlife in order to save his wife from slavery.
Dark and pulpy.
Neverday
The story of what happens to society after everyone in the world gets trapped in a never-ending time loop.
Dark and dystopian.
Stacking Doll
The story of a man who falls in love with a Russian nesting doll.
Dark and surreal.
Parasite MIlk
A travel show producer is infected with deadly sexually transmitted parasites after visiting a brothel on an alien planet.
Body horror science-fiction comedy.
The Big Meat
A kaiju tribute novel that explores the surreal aftermath of a giant monster attack.
Dark and gritty.
Spider Bunny
A group of college kids get trapped inside a deranged children’s cereal commercial from the 1980’s.
Creepy and absurd.
Exercise Bike
The story of a man who transformed himself into a human exercise bike and the woman who is forced to ride him.
Absurd body horror.
The Terrible Thing That Happens
In a post-apocalypse world, a small community of scavengers must survive by looting a grocery store that’s stuck in a time loop.
Dark and surreal.
Every Time We Meet at the Dairy Queen, Your Whole Fucking Face Explodes
A tale of childhood love and spontaneous face explosions.
Cute and disturbing.
Bio Melt
Within a toxic wasteland, six strangers find themselves trapped in an abandoned hotel, surrounded by a mysterious black ooze.
Dark and surreal.
ClownFellas
Six interconnected novellas revolving around the Bozo clown crime family
Surreal and Pulpy.
As She Stabbed Me Gently in the Face
A sociopathic killer meets an even more sociopathic victim
Dark and strange.
Sweet Story
A children’s book gone horribly wrong.
Dark humor.
The Tick People
In a city where people live like parasites on the back of a giant animal, a professional sadness-maker discovers that his soul mate is a hideous mutant.
Dark and surreal.
Hungry Bug
In a world where magic exists, spell-casting has become a serious addiction.
Gritty and pulpy.
Clusterfuck
A bunch of douchebag frat boys get trapped in a cave with subterranean cannibal mutants and try to survive not by using their wits but by following the bro code.
Comical and violent.
Quicksand House
Two children who have never met their parents before, even though they live in the same house with them, must fight for survival once their nursery becomes uninhabitable.
Dark and Dystopian.
Village of the Mermaids
An eccentric doctor travels to an isolated village of carnivorous mermaids to investigate a new disease spreading through the herd of human livestock.
Dark and Dystopian.
Cuddly Holocaust
A tale of survival set in a world where most of the human race has been exterminated by vicious stuffed animals.
Apocalyptic and brutal.
Hammer Wives
Six novellas and short stories.
Kill Ball
A slasher thriller set in a city where everyone lives in plastic bubbles.
Dystopian and surreal.
Tumor Fruit
Seven castaways stranded on a bizarre deserted island must go to extremes in order to survive.
Surreal and disturbing.
The Handsome Squirm
It’s Franz Kafka’s The Trial meets an erotic horror version of The Blob when a man is forced by law to marry an alien woman who devours her mates.
Absurd and dystopian.
Armadillo Fists
Set in a world where people drive mechanical dinosaurs instead of cars, a female boxer with armadillo hands is on the run from deranged mobsters.
Pulpy and fun.
I Knocked Up Satan’s Daughter
A parody of romantic comedies about a man who finds himself engaged to a succubus who’s pregnant with his child.
Light and satirical.
Fantastic Orgy
One novella plus four short stories.
Barbarian Beast Bitches of the Badlands
The sequel to Warrior Wolf Women of the Wasteland.
The Morbidly Obese Ninja
A 700 pound killing machine must go against his corporate employers in order to save a terminal child.
Pulpy and fun.
Crab Town
A bizarre bank heist set in a radioactive post-nuke ghetto.
Dystopian and relevant.
Zombies and Shit
It’s Battle Royale meets Return of the Living dead in a fight to the death game of survival where twenty contestants are put against each other in the middle of the zombie wasteland.
Apocalyptic, pulpy, and epic.
The Kobold Wizard’s Dildo of Enlightenment +2
A group of adventurers learn they are actually fictional characters trapped in the worst Dungeons & Dragons campaign of all time.
Satirical and dumb.
Warrior Wolf Women of the Wasteland
A Wonderland Book Award-winning novel about a three-armed man who finds himself in the middle of a war between a gang of road warrior werewolves and mutants from a dystopian version of McDonaldland.
Apocalyptic, pulpy, and epic.
The Cannibals of Candyland
A man finds himself imprisoned in an under ground world populated by child-eating mutants made of candy.
Erotic and horrific.
A parody of cabin in the woods horror stories where the victims turn out to be far more deranged than the mutant killers who hunt them.
Campy and fucked up.
The Egg Man
It is a survival of the fittest world where humans reproduce like insects, children are the property of corporations, and having a ten-foot tall brain is a grotesque sexual fetish.
Dark, dystopian, and ugly.
Cybernetrix
A dark and bizarre parody of the movie Tron where a game world and our world bleed together into one reality.
Pulpy and awesome.
The Faggiest Vampire
A bizarro children’s book about two vampire rivals competing in a mustache contest to determine which one is the faggiest.
Cute and relevant.
The Ultra Fuckers
A landscaper and a trio of Japanese punks find themselves stranded in a suburban gated community that seems to go on forever.
Nightmarish and absurd.
Adolf in Wonderland
Nazis from an alternate world of absolute perfection go down the rabbit hole into a dark surreal world of chaos and imperfection.
Absurd and horrific.
Sausagey Santa
A bizarro Christmas story… filled with sex and violence.
Satirical and pulpy.
The Haunted Vagina
It’s difficult to love a woman whose vagina is a gateway to the world of the dead.
Satirical and absurd.
Carlton Mellick III
Carlton Mellick III 