Here is the final cover art for my D&D parody book:
I don’t know about you but the Junior High D&D geek in me is creaming in his shorts over this cover.
Cover Art for “Kobold Wizard’s Dildo of Enlightenment +2”
Posted in Bizarro Books on May 23, 2009 by carltonmellickShatnerquake!
Posted in Bizarro Books on May 22, 2009 by carltonmellick
Jeff Burk took a class I taught at BizarroCon that was about writing high concept bizarro fiction. I had students come up with ideas for possible future books that were so irresistibly out-there that anyone who read the back cover description would need to read the book based on the description alone. Jeff Burk’s idea was called “Shatnerquake.” After I read his description I told him that he had to actually write it and get it published because people would absolutely love to read a book like this.
This is the description of the book he came up with:
William Shatner. William Shatner? William Shatner!!! It’s the first ever ShatnerCon and William Shatner is the guest of honor. While promoting his latest TekWar novel, he must deal with obsessive fan boys, obnoxious impersonators, and people with an even looser grip on reality. When a meteorite collides with the convention’s theater, Captain Kirk, TJ Hooker, Singer-Shatner and Denny Crane are let loose into the real world. Their mission – kill the real William Shatner and assume his mantle. No fictional character is large enough to contain all that is Shatner, and he will do anything to prove it. No matter how many pimply geeks are maimed, dismembered, or disemboweled in the process. Will the real William Shatner please stand up? He will, with guns ablaze. Explosions, kinky alien women, and singing! It’s Being John Malkovich meets Mr. and Mrs. Smith with an all William Shatner cast!
Of course, after he wrote the book the plot changed quite a bit and the back cover was re-written by Eraserhead Press.
This is the description that was published on the back cover:
William Shatner? William Shatner. WILLIAM SHATNER!!!
It’s the first ShatnerCon with William Shatner as the guest of honor! But after a failed terrorist attack by Campbellians, a crazy terrorist cult that worships Bruce Campbell, all of the characters ever played by William Shatner are suddenly sucked into our world. Their mission: hunt down and destroy the real William Shatner.
Featuring: Captain Kirk, TJ Hooker, Denny Crane, Rescue 911 Shatner, Singer Shatner, Shakespearean Shatner, Twilight Zone Shatner, Cartoon Kirk, Esperanto Shatner, Priceline Shatner, SNL Shatner, and – of course – William Shatner!
No costumed con-goer will be spared in their wave of destruction, no redshirt will make it out alive, and not even the Klingons will be able to stand up to a deranged Captain Kirk with a lightsaber. But these Shatner-clones are about to learn a hard lesson…that the real William Shatner doesn’t take crap from anybody. Not even himself.
The book was published 5 months later and within just a few days it got down to the top 125 sales ranking on amazon.com, which is pretty damn good especially for a new small press writer.
I highly recommend getting Shatnerquake. Basically, it’s like Die Hard, but instead of Bruce Willis fighting terrorists it’s William Shatner fighting other versions of himself… In other words, it’s fucking awesome!
The Shatnertastic novel by Jeff Burk “Shatnerquake” is now available in kindle as well as paperback.
I cannot… I have ham.
Posted in Bizarro Authors on May 21, 2009 by carltonmellickMykle Hansen is one of the funniest and most talented of the bizarro writers.
He is the author of:
and
Both great books.
I am a huge fan of home movies and Mykle is quite good at them.
Here is a video about his novel “Help! A Bear is Eating Me!” published by Eraserhead Press:
This next video Mykle is one that he acted in quite a while ago. He showed it to the bizarro crew after the last Bizarro Writer’s Association meeting. We were drunk on Lucky Lab beer and totally loved it. Check it out:
If you haven’t read Mykle’s writing I highly recommend it. It is brilliant and hilarious from start to finish.
Burritophile
Posted in Random Shit on May 20, 2009 by carltonmellick
I’m obsessed with burritos and now I have found the perfect site for me: http://www.burritophile.com
It has reviews for taco shops in your area. Although far from complete, I have found some good burritos in the past week because of it. One burrito included ground beef, raisins, almonds, green olives, onions, potatoes, sour cream, rice, beans, and pico. It was pretty good, even though I tend to hate ground beef in mexican food.
If I opened a taco shop these are the types of burritos I would sell:
Pizza burrito – pepperoni, italian sausage, onions, green olives, tomato sauce, cheese, habaneros, hot sauce
German Burrito – bratwurst, kraut, onions, mustard, rice, cheese, habaneros, hot sauce
Curry Burrito – some curried potatoes and chicken masala, rice, cheese, habaneros, hot sauce
Macaroni and Cheese Burrito – macaroni and cheese, bacon, mushrooms, roasted garlic, extra cheese, habaneros, hot sauce
Lasagna Burrito – some lasagna, cheese, habaneros, hot sauce
Pizza Roll Burrito – pizza rolls, chili, tater tots, ranch dressing, bacon, cheese, habaneros, hot sauce
Taco Burrito – 7 miniature hard shelled tacos, habaneros, hot sauce
White Castle Burrito – 5 sliders, bacon, chili, chorizo, jalapeno poppers, green olives, lunchables, a pretzel, hamburger helper beef stroganoff, mustard, cheese, habaneros, hot sauce
French Onion Soup Burrito – a bowl of fucking soup, cheese, habaneros, hot saucee
Bizarro Bytes
Posted in Bizarro Authors on May 19, 2009 by carltonmellickJeremy C. Shipp, who is one of the highest praised writers of bizarro fiction, who is the general of the lawn gnome army, and who has written this:
and this:
and has a featured novella in this Bizarro Starter Kit:
is starting a thing called Bizarro Bytes, where you can get a new bizarro story by him emailed to you every month. Here’s how it works:
For $12, Subscribers receive 12 new, previously unpublished short stories by Jeremy C. Shipp. One story a month. These twisted tales of bizarro, horror, and dark fantasy are emailed to Subscribers in ebook format (PDF, Mobi, or ePub). The stories range from 2500 to 6000 words. After you subscribe, we’ll contact you about your preferred email address and ebook format. We’re sending out the first story in June of 2009.
For more information, go here: BIZARRO BYTES
If you are a fan of Jeremy Shipp’s work I recommend signing up. If you haven’t read his work try him out in the Bizarro Starter Kit (blue).
Also, check out this new interview this Jeremy C. Shipp where he discusses the bizarro genre:
Rough Cover Sketch for “The Kobold Wizard’s Dildo of Enlightenment +2”
Posted in Bizarro Books on May 18, 2009 by carltonmellickHere is a rough sketch of what my next cover will look like:
It’s called The Kobold Wizard’s Dildo of Enlightenment +2 (An Adventure for 3-6 Players, Levels 2-5). It will be written in the style of my book Punk Land or Satan Burger, but will have a Dungeons and Dragons theme. Anyone who has played any of the old ’70s D&D modules will recognize the cover design.
The sketch above shows two of the characters in the story, one which is a punk rock elven thief and the other is an elf mage cybergoth. In the story, these characters were created by horny 13-year-old roleplayers so they of course look ultra slutty. I don’t know about you, but I think this cover is going to rock. Ed, the artist of most of my books, is my hero.
Last Night’s Event
Posted in Bizarro Events on May 17, 2009 by carltonmellickLast night, some authors from the Portland bizarro scene went up to Olympia, WA for a reading event at the Tortoise Butler Arts Hotel. The Arts Hotel is also known as a Black House. In Olympia, there is a Satanic dentist who owns a lot of property, all which he has painted completely black. It was pretty fun to read in one of these Satanic dentist houses. A perfect place for a bizarro event.
In the Portland bizarro crew we had: Daniel Scott Buck, author of the bizarro children’s book “The Kissing Bug,” Cameron Pierce, author of “Shark Hunting in Paradise Garden,” Jeff Burk, editor of “The Magazine of Bizarro Fiction,” Eraserhead Press publisher Rose Okeefe, bizarro artist Angela Molinar, and myself.
From Seattle, Afterbirth Books editor Karen Townsend was there as well as Gina Ranalli, author of “Sky Tongues.”
We also met Olympia resident and bizarro newcomer Kevin Shamel.
Jeff, Cameron, and I did a lot of drinking in the woods:
Then we did some readings. Closing the performance was the second installment in Cameron Pierce’s Meat Magick series.
The Meat Magick shows are completely bizarre, disgusting, hilarious, and very uncomfortable to watch. They are also difficult to explain. The closest explanation I can come up with is a deranged puppet show that uses meat/food products instead of puppets.
This is what the floor looked like after the performance:
(but imagine this covering the entire room)
Here is a picture of a pancake with a face:
The Meat Magick shows always have a raffle and the winner gets something totally awesome like a free book. Well, this time the winner got a can of pork and beans. And two eggs.
The winner, bizarro newcomer Kevin Shamel, is pictured here at home the next morning, getting ready to enjoy a breakfast of two eggs and beans.
In the end, I learned that burritos with mashed potatoes and bacon are pretty good.
Bizarro Reading Tonight!
Posted in Bizarro Events on May 16, 2009 by carltonmellick
Event Description: Come to the Tortoise Butler Arts Hotel for an evening of strange brews hosted by sausage maestro Gabriel Majeski. If you missed Jeff Burk’s Shatnerquake performance the last time he was in Olympia, here’s a second chance! In addition, Daniel Scott Buck will read his latest stories, Cameron Pierce will perform the second episode of Meat Magick, and special guests will provide tips for grooming an award-winning mustache. Bizarro books from Eraserhead Press will be for sale, so bring your bones. We may or may not serve tortoise burritos.
Saturday, May 16 at 8:00 pm
Tortoise Butler Arts Hotel
715 Wilson St. NE
Olympia, WA
One day, all washing machines will become human…
Posted in Bizarro Books on May 16, 2009 by carltonmellickThe new book by Kevin L. Donihe has just been released. One of the greatest of the bizarro writers. This guy writes entertaining weird stuff. Although he’s still new, this guy is going to go far. His new book, WASHER MOUTH: The Man Who Was a Washing Machine, has just been released through Eraserhead press. This is a book you’ve got to read.
Here is the description:
Roy is a washing machine messiah. Recently turned human, he must pave the way for the coming of the washer-men. Unfortunately, Roy is not a very good messiah. More obsessed with the daytime Soap Opera Sands of Eternity, Roy deviates from his mission in order to follow his dream of acting in a scene with its beautiful leading lady, before she is retired from the show. But Roy soon discovers that the rise to stardom isn’t a simple task, especially for man whose mouth is an out-of-control washing machine.
A menagerie of freaks, bukkake hair treatments, sexually deranged divas, super powered superstars, snuff films, gloop lunches, and a murderous washing machine man known only as The Dark Washer–all await Roy on his quest through the bowels of the day-time drama industry.
It’s The Little Mermaid meets O’Lucky Man, filtered through Futurama. Washer Mouth is a totally fucking insane satire of Soap Operas that could only come from the unbalanced mind of Kevin L Donihe.
Buy it on amazon.com.
New blog!
Posted in Uncategorized on May 16, 2009 by carltonmellickI am finally starting a blog. This is a blog where I will talk about:
Bizarro author events such as:
The Bizarro Breakdance party!
or new bizarro book releases such as:
The Cannibals of Candyland!
or just random weird things, such as:
Hamburger turtle!
So stick around …
Carlton Mellick III 