Here is the final cover art for my D&D parody book:
I don’t know about you but the Junior High D&D geek in me is creaming in his shorts over this cover.
Archive for the Bizarro Books Category
Cover Art for “Kobold Wizard’s Dildo of Enlightenment +2”
Posted in Bizarro Books on May 23, 2009 by carltonmellickShatnerquake!
Posted in Bizarro Books on May 22, 2009 by carltonmellick
Jeff Burk took a class I taught at BizarroCon that was about writing high concept bizarro fiction. I had students come up with ideas for possible future books that were so irresistibly out-there that anyone who read the back cover description would need to read the book based on the description alone. Jeff Burk’s idea was called “Shatnerquake.” After I read his description I told him that he had to actually write it and get it published because people would absolutely love to read a book like this.
This is the description of the book he came up with:
William Shatner. William Shatner? William Shatner!!! It’s the first ever ShatnerCon and William Shatner is the guest of honor. While promoting his latest TekWar novel, he must deal with obsessive fan boys, obnoxious impersonators, and people with an even looser grip on reality. When a meteorite collides with the convention’s theater, Captain Kirk, TJ Hooker, Singer-Shatner and Denny Crane are let loose into the real world. Their mission – kill the real William Shatner and assume his mantle. No fictional character is large enough to contain all that is Shatner, and he will do anything to prove it. No matter how many pimply geeks are maimed, dismembered, or disemboweled in the process. Will the real William Shatner please stand up? He will, with guns ablaze. Explosions, kinky alien women, and singing! It’s Being John Malkovich meets Mr. and Mrs. Smith with an all William Shatner cast!
Of course, after he wrote the book the plot changed quite a bit and the back cover was re-written by Eraserhead Press.
This is the description that was published on the back cover:
William Shatner? William Shatner. WILLIAM SHATNER!!!
It’s the first ShatnerCon with William Shatner as the guest of honor! But after a failed terrorist attack by Campbellians, a crazy terrorist cult that worships Bruce Campbell, all of the characters ever played by William Shatner are suddenly sucked into our world. Their mission: hunt down and destroy the real William Shatner.
Featuring: Captain Kirk, TJ Hooker, Denny Crane, Rescue 911 Shatner, Singer Shatner, Shakespearean Shatner, Twilight Zone Shatner, Cartoon Kirk, Esperanto Shatner, Priceline Shatner, SNL Shatner, and – of course – William Shatner!
No costumed con-goer will be spared in their wave of destruction, no redshirt will make it out alive, and not even the Klingons will be able to stand up to a deranged Captain Kirk with a lightsaber. But these Shatner-clones are about to learn a hard lesson…that the real William Shatner doesn’t take crap from anybody. Not even himself.
The book was published 5 months later and within just a few days it got down to the top 125 sales ranking on amazon.com, which is pretty damn good especially for a new small press writer.
I highly recommend getting Shatnerquake. Basically, it’s like Die Hard, but instead of Bruce Willis fighting terrorists it’s William Shatner fighting other versions of himself… In other words, it’s fucking awesome!
The Shatnertastic novel by Jeff Burk “Shatnerquake” is now available in kindle as well as paperback.
Rough Cover Sketch for “The Kobold Wizard’s Dildo of Enlightenment +2”
Posted in Bizarro Books on May 18, 2009 by carltonmellickHere is a rough sketch of what my next cover will look like:
It’s called The Kobold Wizard’s Dildo of Enlightenment +2 (An Adventure for 3-6 Players, Levels 2-5). It will be written in the style of my book Punk Land or Satan Burger, but will have a Dungeons and Dragons theme. Anyone who has played any of the old ’70s D&D modules will recognize the cover design.
The sketch above shows two of the characters in the story, one which is a punk rock elven thief and the other is an elf mage cybergoth. In the story, these characters were created by horny 13-year-old roleplayers so they of course look ultra slutty. I don’t know about you, but I think this cover is going to rock. Ed, the artist of most of my books, is my hero.
One day, all washing machines will become human…
Posted in Bizarro Books on May 16, 2009 by carltonmellickThe new book by Kevin L. Donihe has just been released. One of the greatest of the bizarro writers. This guy writes entertaining weird stuff. Although he’s still new, this guy is going to go far. His new book, WASHER MOUTH: The Man Who Was a Washing Machine, has just been released through Eraserhead press. This is a book you’ve got to read.
Here is the description:
Roy is a washing machine messiah. Recently turned human, he must pave the way for the coming of the washer-men. Unfortunately, Roy is not a very good messiah. More obsessed with the daytime Soap Opera Sands of Eternity, Roy deviates from his mission in order to follow his dream of acting in a scene with its beautiful leading lady, before she is retired from the show. But Roy soon discovers that the rise to stardom isn’t a simple task, especially for man whose mouth is an out-of-control washing machine.
A menagerie of freaks, bukkake hair treatments, sexually deranged divas, super powered superstars, snuff films, gloop lunches, and a murderous washing machine man known only as The Dark Washer–all await Roy on his quest through the bowels of the day-time drama industry.
It’s The Little Mermaid meets O’Lucky Man, filtered through Futurama. Washer Mouth is a totally fucking insane satire of Soap Operas that could only come from the unbalanced mind of Kevin L Donihe.
Buy it on amazon.com.
Carlton Mellick III 