OUT NOW: The Kobold Wizard’s Dildo of Enlightenment +2

My D&D parody book is now available. It is perhaps the dumbest thing ever written (by me or anyone else). It is also the best.

kobold wizard

Are you ready to play some Dungeons and Fucking Dragons?

The Kobold Wizard’s Dildo of Enlightenment +2 is an absurd comedy about a group of adventurers (elf, halfling, bard, dwarf, assassin, thief) going through an existential crisis after having discovered that they are really just pre-rolled characters living inside of a classic AD&D role playing game. While exploring the ruins of Tardis Keep, these 6 characters must deal with their inept Dungeon Master’s retarded imagination and resist their horny teenaged players’ commands to have sex with everything in sight.

Featuring: punk rock elf chicks, death metal orcs, porn-addicted beholders, a goblin/halfling love affair, a gnoll orgy, and a magical dildo that holds the secrets of the universe.

Click here to order at amazon.com

30 Responses to “OUT NOW: The Kobold Wizard’s Dildo of Enlightenment +2”

  1. bought it. look forward to it!

  2. A used tampon Says:

    I’ve only read the Haunted Vagina but I plan to order a huge pile of CM3′s books when I’m browsing Amazon next. This one will definitely be on that list.

  3. Reading stuff like this, pretty much takes over my body and makes me buy your books! I might as well start a CM3 book petting zoo.

  4. hi, Carlton!

    PLEASE tell your company to bring out 2XX black CARLTON MELLICK & READ BIZARRO BOOKS T-shirts! (tee hee)

    thanks & I’m eating up & LOVING all your books!

    Kris Gilpin (& for fun, free movie crossword puzzles online, please go to my website ;-)

  5. telegasm Says:

    Yesss. This is the book I’ve been waiting for you to write. I <3 DnD

  6. Ben Tobin Says:

    Why no Kindle edition?

    • carltonmellick Says:

      Sorry about that. This book just wouldn’t work on the kindle, because of how kindle books are formatted. The images are integral to the story. You wouldn’t be able to cut out character sheets and maps. It just wouldn’t be the same.

      • shoggot Says:

        Well, foo.

        pdf, then? Something non-paper? I’m fairly committed to not purchasing paper.

        Also: Kindle has at least some degree of image support (hence, comics / cover images / etc being possible) – is the support really so poor that it wouldn’t work out? (Yes, nothing could be cut out, but how many people are actually going to cut apart the paper version, rather than just flipping back to refer to ‘em (char sheets, maps)?

      • carltonmellick Says:

        shoggot – If there is image support I’ll have to look into that. I was told that kindle books needed to be submitted as .txt files and I have no idea how to get images/design to work in that format. There has to be a way though. I’ll see if it’s possible.

        You’re right that most people won’t cut pages out of the book…but they really should. It was so much fun to write the book while holding the maps and character sheets. I wanted the reading experience to be similar. I want people to erase hit points from character sheets as the story goes and reference the map to see which section of the dungeon they are in at the time. It’s not necessary but much more fun.

      • Ben Tobin Says:

        There definitely is image support on Kindle. No color, but its format is really just Mobi, which can be converted easily from HTML. I don’t know how Amazon wants it submitted, but I’d be surprised if they weren’t pretty flexible. You can probably give them a doc, or HTML or something.

      • carltonmellick Says:

        Thanks. I’ll check it out. I believe they want html.

      • shoggot Says:

        Color does exist in the kindle format, just not for the kindle hardware – I use the kindle software on color hardware. Definitely seeing color images =)

  7. shoggot Says:

    Wish this was available as a kindle download. Or nook. Or B&N. Something other than paper!

  8. high, Carlton! ;-)

    i just bought an I-Pad.

    are most of your books available there, too?

    thanks,

    Kris G.

  9. PDF? Kindle? What a bunch of spoilsports! This book needs to be on paper! Preferably a 32-page booklet with a blue-and-white cardboard map on the inside cover…

  10. carltonmellick Says:

    Sorry, it’s only paperback at the moment. I don’t know when (or if) my books will be available for ipad or kindle.

  11. CM3,

    actually that’s cool, I have all your books anyway (I still love holdling a book), I just wondered.

    & please consider this for the future, Carlton: please give us weird, sexy. sleazy, bloody:

    - prison &

    - spy novels, too ;-)

    thanks! & yours in Davey Lynch,

    kris G.

  12. carltonmellick Says:

    A bizarro prison story and a bizarro spy novel? Sure, if you like. I plan to do a bizarro version of a space opera and then a bizarro superhero story soon as well.

  13. CM3,

    exactly. cool, thanks!

    can I ask you, what hours do you write each day? I’m a sometimes writer & I was just very curious.

    & is Bizarro Books open to unsolicited manuscripts?

    thanks again!

    Kris G.
    (the movie-crosswords guy)

  14. carltonmellick Says:

    I’m not a multi-tasker. I’m a one project at a time kind of a person. I have no idea how writers can write a little every day unless they have no other choice. When I start a book I lock myself in a room somewhere for days until the book is done. Sometimes it is just a few days or over a month. I’ll write 16 hours a day every day during this time with no distractions. I basically live inside that book until it is done. Even the really stupid books like this one.

    There is the New Bizarro Author Series that is open to subs as long as you don’t have any books out yet. Go to eraserheadpress.com for information on that.

  15. thanks, Carlton, for all that help & info!

    Phil Dick wrote like that, I read once. he’d make copious notes for ages, then lock himself in a room, never check the notes & he’d knock out a book in a few days.

    last ass-pain question: do you rewrite? if so, how much?

    also, part of your style reminds me a lot of Richard Brautigan (I love In Watermelon Sugar & Willard and His Bowling Trophies), do you read/like him?

    thanks for everything!

    Kris G.

  16. Wow – was excited to buy the book (and start reading it immediately) but got my bubble popped by the lack of digital versions. I totally get the importance of maintaining the artistic vision of your book, but I think you’re making it too complicated. When you talked about having the paper on hand it does sound like a fun way to read it.

    So – why not just put the character sheet and dungeon map on your website in PDF format? People can reference and print them out as they please -and even if they buy the print version they don’t have to physically damage the book.

    Just a thought.

  17. Half way through and I’m itching to roll my dice! You rolled a 00 with this book! I’ve already recommended it to a patient who’s hubby is a D&Der.
    Sorry to disappoint, but I didn’t cut out the character sheets or map. I like to keep my books intact. Love all the Dr Who references as well. I think I should be buying directly from you instead of via Amazon so you’ll get a bigger cut!

  18. JohnTheVillain Says:

    i cant wait for a super hero based book!! so far ive read the haunted vagina, cannibals of candyland, and dildo of enlightenment.. GREAT stories! when i read a book i like, i stick to the author until im caught up with all their work, and your def the next one im sticking too!! Bizzaro OWNS!

    • carltonmellick Says:

      Thanks man! I hope to get to the superhero book some time this year. There will be a few books released before that one. Still, I’m excited about it.

  19. Cousin Valter Says:

    I see that you haven’t been asked about a kindle edition for almost a year. So where are we on that? The very concept of this book makes me all tingly inside, and I feel compelled procure it in one form or another.
    If a kindly edition is around the corner, I would not have to trawl the internets for all related tidbits and scraps of information in between neurotic mailman-hunting during the long wait for the papery edition.

  20. Cousin Valter Says:

    AHHHH!!!! after only four years, I finally got the paperback edition from a british seller. I couldn’t get it directly from USA because I probably would have used the information therein for obscene terrorism war on drugs or something. No kindle edition for me, but the book was such a delight that four years was well worth the wait. Profoundly retarded, retardedly profound. The DM/God similies were awe-inspiring.

    Thank you Rocklar the Mighty, for a beautifully crafted work of art.

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