COMING SOON: “Armadillo Fists” and “The Handsome Squirm”
Posted in Bizarro Books, Carlton Mellick III on October 4, 2011 by carltonmellickOut Now: “I KNOCKED UP SATAN’S DAUGHTER” – a demonic romantic comedy
Posted in Bizarro Books, Carlton Mellick III, eraserhead press on September 19, 2011 by carltonmellick
I KNOCKED UP SATAN’S DAUGHTER: A DEMONIC ROMANTIC COMEDY
Jonathan Vandervoo lives a carefree life in a house made of legos, spending his days building lego sculptures and his nights getting drunk with his only friend-an alcoholic sumo wrestler named Shoji. It’s a pleasant life with no responsibility, until the day he meets Lici. She’s a soul-sucking demon from hell with red skin, glowing eyes, a forked tongue, and pointy red devil horns… and she happens to be nine months pregnant with Jonathan’s baby.
Now Jonathan must do the right thing and marry the succubus or else her demonic family is going to rip his heart out through his ribcage and force him to endure the worst torture hell has to offer for the rest of eternity. But can Jonathan really love a fire-breathing, frog-eating, cold-blooded demoness? Or would eternal damnation be preferable? Either way, the big day is approaching. And once Jonathan’s conservative Christian family learns their son is about to marry a spawn of Satan, it’s going to be all-out war between demons and humans, with Jonathan and his hell-born bride caught in the middle.
I Knocked Up Satan’s Daughter is an adorable, violent, fantastical love story. A romantic comedy for the bizarro fiction reader.
Available at amazon.com
OUT NOW: “Fantastic Orgy”
Posted in Uncategorized on September 13, 2011 by carltonmellickMy first story collection in ten years, Fantastic Orgy, is finally available. This one features one novella and four longish short stories.
Shark Sex, mutant cats, and strange sexually transmitted diseases.
Over the past few decades, sexually transmitted diseases have evolved in unusual ways. Herpes, AIDS, Gonorrhea; these are all STDs of the past. These days, sexually transmitted diseases are more extreme and bizarre. Not exactly diseases anymore, they are more like sexually transmitted body modifications. There’s an STD that changes your hair color, an STD that causes your toes to grow larger, one causes you to grow extra breasts on your body, another causes your skin to grow long metal spikes, and there’s an especially annoying STD that causes you to ejaculate miniature eyeballs.
Tonight is Share Your STD Night at the Demon Seed Swingers Club. Although most members of society fear the idea of contracting these diseases, there are some underground deviants who embrace them. They believe the diseases make them strange, unique, and beautiful. So they come together once a month to trade their wonderful STDs with each other in a surreal, fantastical orgy. However, tonight will not be like other nights. There’s a new disease spreading through the sex club, a disease that causes people to become rabid bloodthirsty killing machines. As the infected rampage through the Demon Seed, the survivors realize there’s only one thing they can do to survive the night: turn their grotesque STDs into deadly super weapons.
Also featuring the short stories:
“Candy-Coated” – A buff dude with a lollipop for a head has a hard time picking up the laydaaays due to all of the bearded truckers who keep trying to lick his head.
“Ear Cat” – A Kitty of the Month Club selection gone horribly wrong.
“City Hobgoblins” – A member of a punk rock band falls in love with a shark-like creature. (a prequel to the cult novel Satan Burger)
“Porno in August” – A group of porn actors find themselves floating in the middle of the ocean, unable to remember who they are or why they are there. (Chosen for The Year’s Best Fantasy and Horror)
Now available at amazon.com
Call for submissions: “THE BIBLE PART II: The Long-Awaited Sequel to the #1 Bestselling Bizarro Fiction Novel of All Time!”
Posted in Bizarro Authors, Bizarro Books, eraserhead press, Fiction on July 25, 2011 by carltonmellick
I’m looking for bizarro short stories 2,000 – 8,000 words for the upcoming anthology “THE BIBLE PART II: The Long-Awaited Sequel to the #1 Bestselling Bizarro Fiction Novel of All Time!”.
The stories should be crazy bizarro fiction sequels to stories from the bible (old or new testament), or they should be completely original modern day biblical stories. Imagine if Michael Bay directed a crappy big budget Hollywood sequel to the Bible, with tons of over-the-top special effects, machine guns, explosions, motorcycles, sexy characters, and ridiculous plots. That’s the kind of thing I’m looking for. And, of course, I’d like them funny and weird.
Send a query to me at carltonmellick3 (at) yahoo.com with an idea for a story. Pitch me your idea in a paragraph or less. Include a bio. I’d like you to do this so that A) you don’t have to write it if I’m not going to be interested in the concept and B) I don’t want multiple people doing the same types of stories. Send multiple story pitches if you like.
Deadline for pitches: September 1st
Deadline for submissions: November 1st
Remember: The more ridiculous the better. I’m looking forward to hearing from you.
-CM3
OUT NOW: “Zombies and Shit” re-issue with a new introduction by Brian Keene
Posted in Bizarro Books, Bizarro Fiction, Carlton Mellick III, deadite press, eraserhead press on July 20, 2011 by carltonmellickThe re-issue of my bizarro zombie novel, Zombies and Shit, is now available. This edition comes with a new introduction by horror master BRIAN KEENE. Other than that, this edition has a new cover design and, uh … better copy editing!
Battle Royale meets Return of the Living Dead in this post-apocalyptic action adventure.
Twenty people wake to find themselves in a boarded-up building in the middle of the zombie wasteland. They soon discover they have been chosen as contestants on a popular reality show called Zombie Survival. Each contestant is given a backpack of supplies and a unique weapon. Their goal: be the first to make it through the zombie-plagued city to the pick-up zone alive. But because there’s only one seat available on the helicopter, the contestants not only have to fight against the hordes of the living dead, they must also fight each other.
Zombies and Shit is Mellick’s craziest book to date. A campy, trashy, punk rock gore fest that is as funny as it is brutal, as sad as it is strange. An edge-of-your-seat thrill ride that twists the zombie genre into something you’ve never seen before, but always wanted to.
“For fans of zombie fiction, this is an absolute MUST FUCKING READ!” – JEFF BURK, author of Shatnerquake
“It’s fucking exhilarating–a tight, breakneck narrative and lots of awesome ultra-violence and quirky, distinct characters.” – BRIAN KEENE, author of The Rising and Dead Sea
“Unlike any zombie apocalypse novel you’ve ever read, Zombies and Shit takes the zombie mythology and reimagines it in a brutal reality game show like no other. Filled with sentient zombies, zombie smart cars, mechanized zombie dogs, and a cybernetic Mr. T, Zombies and Shit is part Running Man, part Battle Royale, part Lost, and all Carlton Mellick III.” – S. G. BROWNE, author of Breathers
4 for 3 deal at amazon.com
Posted in Bizarro Books, Carlton Mellick III, deadite press, eraserhead press on July 19, 2011 by carltonmellickMany of my books, and other Eraserhead Press and Deadite Press books priced under $10, are available at amazon.com for a buy three get one free deal.
Here are some of my books available for the 4 for 3 deal:
Here are some other Eraserhead Press books available at the 4 for 3 deal:
Deadite Press books available at the 4 for 3 deal:
I’m not sure how long it will be going on, so get them while it lasts. There are also other Eraserhead Press books on amazon that are doing this deal. Just look around. About 75% of books under $10 can be bought at 4 for the price of 3.
Rose’s “Survivor Countdown” – comedy video featuring me (and other bizarros)
Posted in Bizarro Fiction, Carlton Mellick III, eraserhead press on July 19, 2011 by carltonmellickHere’s a video where Rose (from the movie “Rose: A Bizarro Zombie Musical“) interviews four bizarros (including myself, Jeff Burk, Cameron Pierce and Eraserhead Press publisher Rose O’Keefe) to see what we’re up to during the zombie apocalypse. It’s like Space Ghost Coast to Coast meets Pee Wee’s Playhouse.
Also I highly recommend donating to the Rose kickstarter campaign. It just needs another $500 within the next 42 hours to meet its goal. Then it will get made! So help a filmmaker out! Every dollar is useful. This will be the first official bizarro fiction movie to be made, so let’s make it happen. Go here: http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/1676362079/john-skipps-rose-the-bizarro-zombie-musical
Coming soon: “Ugly Heaven”
Posted in Bizarro Books, Bizarro Fiction, Carlton Mellick III, eraserhead press on July 15, 2011 by carltonmellick
This book is being re-issued as a stand alone this summer. It’s one of my books that very few have read, probably because of the high cover price. But at the time I wrote it I thought it was my best book by far. Since the original has been out of print for about a year, I hope you’ll get a chance to finally read it.
Here’s a description:
At one point in time, Heaven was a paradise. It was a blissful utopia full of wonders far beyond human comprehension. But that was a long, long time ago. The afterlife is now in ruins. It has become an ugly, lonely wasteland populated by strange monstrous beasts, masturbating angels, and sad man-like beings wallowing in the remains of the once-great Kingdom of God. As two recently departed souls arrive in Heaven, they discover their eternal home is not one of divine peace but of nightmarish ugliness. They go on a quest to explore this dead alien landscape, desperately seeking answers, allies, and some sort of place they can forever call home.
OUT NOW: “Barbarian Beast Bitches of the Badlands”
Posted in Bizarro Books, Carlton Mellick III, eraserhead press on July 13, 2011 by carltonmellickThe sequel to my book “Warrior Wolf Women of the Wasteland” is finally available.
BARBARIAN BEAST BITCHES OF THE BADLANDS
The Bitches are back . . .
They call themselves the Warriors, their enemies call them the Bitches. They are a gang of man-eating, motorcycle-riding, war-hungry werewolf women, and they are the rulers of the wasteland. Following his 2009 Wonderland Book Award-winning novel, Warrior Wolf Women of the Wasteland, Carlton Mellick III returns with Barbarian Beast Bitches of the Badlands, a collection of three interconnected novellas that take place before, during, and after the events of the first book.
Including:
BARBARIAN BEAST BABES OF THE BADLANDS
Talon and a party of warrior biker women must hunt down a pack of giant wolves that have gone rabid.
HORRENDOUS HORROR OF THE HATEFUL HAMBURGLAR
A band of mutant soldiers led by the deadly samurai, Hamburglar, investigates an outpost deep in the wasteland that has become plagued by a horde of deranged undead killing machines.
FEROCIOUS FEMALE FURRIES IN THE FORBIDDEN ZONE
After Talon is infected with a strange mind-killing parasite, Slayer must lead a party of wolf women into the Forbidden Zone in order to find a cure.
available at amazon.com
Out Now: “The Menstruating Mall” re-issue
Posted in Bizarro Books, Carlton Mellick III, eraserhead press, Fiction, Uncategorized on June 16, 2011 by carltonmellickThe new edition of my book “The Menstruating Mall” is now available at amazon.com.
“The Breakfast Club meets Chopping Mall as directed by David Lynch.” – Brian Keene
Ten ridiculously stereotypical consumer victims (a yuppie, a housewife, a retiree, a jock, a bible thumper, a cowboy, a preppy, a gamer, a goth, and a white suburban gangsta) find themselves unable to leave the mall one day. There is nothing stopping them. The doors are unlocked. Other shoppers are able to come and go as they please. But for some inexplicable reason, these ten people cannot pry themselves away from their shopping miasma. The mall closes, and they won’t leave. Days pass, and they’re still there, eating meals in the food court and sleeping in department store bedroom displays. Then they begin to die off, one by one, murdered by a mysterious killer, and they still won’t allow themselves to escape. Carlton Mellick III’s “The Menstruating Mall” is both a modernized take on Luis Bunuel’s “The Exterminating Angel,” and a parody of Agatha Christie’s “And Then There Were None.”
