This Year’s New Bizarro Author Series: The Magnificent Seven


Kirk Jones, Steve Lowe, Nicole Cushing, Caris O’Malley, James Steele, Kirsten Alene, and Eric Hendrixson.

Last year was the first year of the New Bizarro Author Series, I spoke about it here: Introducing the NBAS. This year, there are 7 new brave souls entering the fray. And they are ready to beat all the odds stacked against them. They are calling themselves The Magnificent Seven, and so far have proven themselves to be nothing short of magnificent. Help support these authors by buying their books within the next 12 months. If they succeed in meeting their goal they will become bizarro fiction’s newest stars.

These are their books:

Uncle Sam’s Carnival of Copulating Inanimals by Kirk Jones

Reborn as an oozing humanoid composed of vitreous humor after a sudden death via a disembodied hand and a wood chipper, Gary Olstrom found no difficulty in saying goodbye to the life he once knew. After all, he had become quite adept at saying goodbye, to his right arm in a hardware store accident at eight, to his parents in a fiery car crash, to his right leg in a factory mishap, and to the only person who ever tried to help him in an untimely bus collision. What he never prepared for was saying goodbye to misfortune, until he found Uncle Sam’s Carnival of Copulating Inanimals.

Therein, Gary finds refuge training furniture to copulate before spectators who vomit in applause. But while Gary’s luck shifts for the better, cities left in the wake of the carnival’s visits disappear; many are murdered. With his pet desk Akimbo and his empty-socketed girlfriend-turned-futon, Liberty, Gary attempts to unravel this mystery, culminating in a re-imagining of America to rival that of Benedict Anderson’s! Well, not quite…but there is furniture porn.

Get it at amazon.com

Muscle Memory by Steve Lowe

Billy Gillespie wakes up one morning to discover his junk is gone. In its place is his wife’s junk. Billy is now Tina, and Tina is dead. That’s because Billy’s dead. His lifeless body is still in bed and empty beer bottles and a container of antifreeze litter the kitchen counter. Over the next 24 hours, Billy and an odd assortment of neighbors, all experiencing their own bouts of body switcheroo, try to figure out what happened and why. Can they do it before the Feds find Billy’s body? Was it aliens that caused this, or God, or the government? And did Edgar Winter really sleep with his sheep? Pro football Hall of Famer Terry Bradshaw has those answers in a story that asks, What Would Kirk Cameron Do?

Get it at amazon.com

How To Eat Fried Furries by Nicole Cushing

Furries–you know, people in animal costumes. You may love them. You may hate them. But chances are, you have not considered eating them…until now!

Not since the early days of Monty Python has dark satire so subversive reared its ugly head! From the Hellmouth of the Heartland, Nicole Cushing brings you How To Eat Fried Furries–your guide on how to raise furries as livestock and cook `em up tender and tasty.

The cast of characters is as motley and grotesque as one would imagine given such a premise. There’s the misshapen, proto-furry cast of the ’70s action-adventure show, Ferret Force Five. Extraterrestrial Squirrels. The Amish and the even more despicable Pseudo-Amish.

Whether an avid Bizarro fan or a newcomer to this wave of weird fiction, you’re bound to be satisfied once you take a bite out of How To Eat Fried Furries.

Get it at amazon.com

The Egg Said Nothing by Caris O’Malley

Meet Manny. He’s your average shut-in with a penchant for late night television and looting local fountains for coins. With eight locks on his door and newspapers covering his windows, he’s more than a bit paranoid, too.

His wasn’t a great life, but it was comfortable–at least it was until the morning he awoke with an egg between his legs. But what might have been a curse becomes a charm as this unlikely event leads him to an all night diner, where he finds inedible pie, undrinkable coffee, and the girl of his dreams.

But can this unexpected chance at love survive after the egg cracks and time itself turns against him, dead-set on rerouting history and putting a shovel to the face of the one person who could bring real and lasting change to Manny’s world?

Get it at amazon.com

Felix and the Sacred Thor by James Steele

HUMANITY’S FATE IS IN THE HANDS OF HE WHO WIELDS THE SACRED THOR!

“Epic quests don’t involve the internet or TV! They involve sex toys and manly, hard-bodied, larger-than-life heroes defying physics, logic and insurmountable odds, spitting out quotable, highly marketable catchphrases all the while!”
–The Sacred Horse

Felix might not quite fit this description, but he’s trying. After retrieving the most powerful weapon in the world from the Sacred Horse and proving himself a pervert of the purest heart, he sets upon an epic quest to destroy the kamikaze alien invaders poised to eliminate the entire human race.

Invaders have implanted themselves in the college graduates standing in unemployment lines–the very backbone of the nation’s economy. They’ve positioned themselves in the city’s grease transmission system, without which America will starve to death in minutes. They threaten the digital children, who cannot survive without their Internet connections. They even threaten Bob.

College taught Felix how to please a horse. It didn’t prepare him for the challenge of using an upgradeable horse dildo as a weapon to free himself from his tyrannical bosses at work and become a warrior for humanity.

Get it at amazon.com

Love in the Time of Dinosaurs by Kirsten Alene

DINOSAURS! LOVE! WAR! MONASTIC LIVING!

Three days after his partner is bitten in half by a brachiosaur, a nameless monk meets the love of his life. Her name is Petunia. She is a dinosaur. But a twenty-year war between their species is about to come to a head, and only one will survive.

To be together the monk and the dinosaur must fight their way through hordes of pterodactyl samurai, anti-aircraft stegosaurs, gigantic kamikaze moths, and machine gun-wielding tyrannosaurs.

Love in the Time of Dinosaurs is a surreal war tale of forbidden love, betrayal, and magic kung-fu. Forget Jurassic Park, this is the greatest dinosaur story ever told.

Get it at amazon.com


Bucket of Face
by Eric Hendrixson

Thirteen years after a police officer searching a suspected child molester’s home spilled a vial of silver pollen, America is still struggling with how to recognize its sentient fruit population. Charles is just a normal guy working at a doughnut shop until an apple and a banana shoot each other in a mafia dispute, leaving a briefcase full of foreign currency and a specimen bucket at the corner booth. When Charles turns the wiseguys into doughnuts and steals their luggage, hoping for a better life for himself and his kiwi fruit girlfriend, he finds himself in the middle of a mafia war. As his girlfriend travels the DC metro area, selling off the contents of the bucket, Charles finds he is the target of a seasoned hit-tomato, who happens to be the biggest Michael Jackson fan who ever lived.

Get it at amazon.com

4 Responses to “This Year’s New Bizarro Author Series: The Magnificent Seven”

  1. […] Washer Mouth: The Man Who Was a Washing Machine, and several other novels. He also edits the New Bizarro Authors Series for Eraserhead Press. This fall, Lazy Fascist published The Flappy Parts, which collects the best […]

  2. […] we have returned with a super-special ALL-CAPS edition. We’re hitting all the authors in the New Bizarro Author Series from this year, beginning with Kirk […]

  3. Just read Uncle Sam’s Carnival of Copulating Inanimals and hope to read more by Kirk Jones in the future.

  4. […] this current batch of NBAS swill. They have the nerve to call themselves the Magnificent Seven, though I’d be shocked to learn if any of them can count that high. Seven books of such atrocious […]

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